when you smile, I smile.

There's this thing, it's called love. What is it that compels humans to feel such a powerful emotion? Perhaps genetics, perhaps the complexity of the brain, perhaps we were just designed to love and to be loved. Now, the thing that is crazy about love, is that after the lovers move on, there comes with it, hurt. Or at least, in my case, there was hurt. Now, after months of healing, I still get the occasional ping of jealousy when I think about all of the times I was placed second, or maybe not even at all. And when I say this, when I say I was placed second, I mean when he was too busy making out with and/or screwing some other girl but still telling me he loved me. Now, I am almost happy again. Of course I'm happy, I'm always happy, but finally, I feel the missing piece of me beginning to fade, and it's such a relief. I wish the best for him, and of course, as it always is with love, I will always love him. Possibly more than I should...Anyway, as for myself, I start living alone on Saturday! Yay! I got my car today and I'm just loving life. I'm a bit apprehensive about my first few days home alone, but I'm sure I'll adapt just fine. Highschool is as it always is for me, exciting and wonderful! I received my senior pictures in the mail today...they were okay, but they could have been a lot better. I did have my occasional "oohs" and "aahs" :)


Well, life is wonderful.

A Prayer For Owen Meany

Ah! Where do I begin. John Irving's wonderful novel, "A Prayer For Owen Meany," has been my biggest frustration today. I have to connect the book to Thomas Foster's, "How to Read Literature Like A Professor, chapter 1: It is always a quest (Except when it's not)." Sounds simple, right? Well, I have four of the five aspects already.
1: Our quester- OWEN
2: A place to go- Vietnam
3: Challenge(s) en route- He is assigned to complete duties in Arizona
4: A real reason to go there: To teach John faith.
Now, number 5: The stated reason to go there.
He says he needs to go to Vietnam to save the children. What I am not completely understanding is if Owen is the primary quester, or if John is the primary quester.
After John's mother dies, he decides one day, he will go on a quest to find his father. His place to go? Boston, to find out some information about his mother. Challenges en route? He learns that his mother was a singer at a nightclub and was lying to him, thus his assumption that she was as "simple" as his Aunt thought. Now, the real reason for John going on his quest...I do not know.


Oh, the frustrations. I should figure it all out within thirty minutes. Hopefully. :)

taking a step forward.

Scratch the previous entry. Nobody is going to interfere with my studies. AP biology is going wonderfully-as is AP english. I wrote two essays today and have a lot of homework, but I've already finished a packet so far. I'm tired.

such a failure.

If there is one thing I absolutely cannot stand about myself, it's my inability to handle oppression. What is it about myself that I let other people get under my skin so badly? I really need a therapist. More like a new damn school to go to. Just one more year and I'm out of EHS...just one more year having to deal with the same degrading people. Any way, I'm letting myself feel like shit because I've come to a realization: I CAN'T HANDLE BEING ATTACKED. Even if it's behind my back. It's only with certain people, though, that I feel this way. Anyway....I dropped out of AP english because of this-because of my stupid emotional disconnect that I obviously need to work on.

fuck my life.

I never told you...

I'd forgotten that I made a blogger account many months ago and decided this would be the perfect place to release my thoughts. Recently, my dreams have been haunting me. Not in the literal sense, of course, but I find my mind wandering into deeper, darker thoughts. I'm not letting it completely interrupt my happiness but I do feel a bit oppressed by it. How do you completely let go of something that you know for a fact just isn't there anymore? Or, more descriptively, how do you stop wanting somebody to be with you? I was okay, I thought, but as usual, these thoughts come back to succumb my mind. It's kind of antagonizing. If I could make it stop hurting, I would in a heartbeat, but of course, as always, it isn't that simple and never will be. On the brighter side, school is starting soon and I know all of the work I'll be doing will keep my mind off of certain things...hopefully. I saw twilight eclipse last night for my first time and I actually really liked it. It was a great movie, especially when Edward proposed to Bella...haha, I know, I'm a softey! Anyway, life is rolling along and I'm simply riding the waves making sure they don't crash down on me...a constant battle, but a good one at that. I suppose it's supposed to hurt, though. I mean, why wouldn't it? You find yourself completely in love and happy..it's a hard thing to let go of. I guess listening to Colbie Callait's "I never told you" doesn't make it any easier for me to stop hurting. Duh. I mean, the lyrics kind of sort of remind me of everything I wish I still had, besides for the "I miss your blue eyes" part. I don't think I've ever had a boyfriend with blue eyes...hmmm...haha I'm ranting. Anyway, I recently updated my deviant art. If you just so happen to stumble upon this blog, you can find me there, too. www.laurenchristine.deviantart.com

Warmly,

Lauren Christine.<3